Monday, April 27, 2015

Over A Million, Under A Thousand Roundup

I was in the LEGO store the other day when I grabbed the last HulkBuster Iron Man set. From some kid's hand. Who looked a little like Tiny Tim. Then he said while standing with his wobbly crutches "please, kind sir, a poor little urchin from the orphanage, I am. I've saved me shillings for a year to save up for that. May I have it back, please?" He had a British accent for some reason. He looked up at me with big puppy eyes and coughed. I farted in his face, then convinced everyone he did it cuz he was as filthy as truck stop restroom. Then I made out with his mom…which was weird considering the kid told me he was an orphan. Then I drove home with my Hulkbuster Iron Man set and threw it in the closet forgotten next to thousands of dollars worth of other LEGO sets I'll probably never use. There's a lesson to be learned in all of this. That being; good looking people are better people. That's why I'm in charge around here. Life is full of disparity like that. That's why they load first class into the plane first, give them drinks, then parade the unwashed masses into coach. This challenge called Over A Million, Under A Thousand will hopefully offer plenty of comparisons between the extravagantly rich and desperately poor, between the "have mores" and the "have none at all". So sit back, pour yourself a drink and ejoy the roundup. If you're rich, I recommend the 1811 Ch√Ęteau d’Yquem. If you're poor, a 40oz. Pabst Blue Ribbon concealed in a paper bag.


Loek1990 starts us off and shows us how the other half live with this Maybach Landaulet. It is a half convertible, half closed luxury sedan with loads of comfort.

Maybach 62S Landaulet

If you have well over a million to spend on your means from getting from point A to point B but want to do it in once second flat, the 2015 Ferrari Formula 1 car built by Nathanael L. is just what you need.


Ferrari SF15-T (1)

Mr. Koenigsegg lives up to his name and asked the all important question; why pay $1.7 million for a crappy Bugatti Veyron when you can pay $3 million for a Koenigsegg Agera R? Why indeed.

Lego Koenigsegg Agera R

Predictably your fearless leader Lino Martins stinks up the joint and the environment with this ratted out diesel powered volksrod. The comments say it all: "a hippie dream turned to a hippie nightmare" and "ugly, rude, and unapologetic, just like the builder". Yep, pretty much.


Volksrod Ratrod

Life just ain't worth living unless you can make poor people cry with your brand new Bugatti Veyron, the first of many very rich cars built by Peter. he tells us it has a removable roof panel so that commoners can see his tan and his choice of "hired company".


Bugatti Veyron EB 16.4 Grand Sport Vitesse - La Finale

And by hired company I presume he means Mexican day laborers. They're perfect for when you need help in the garden or your swimming pool cleaned. You just give em' twenty bucks and send them back to the Home Depot parking lot from whence they came. Here's an Aston Martin DBR2 Racer.


Aston Martin DBR2 Racer (1957-1959)

This Ferrari 275 GTB/C Speciale Berlinetta serial number 06701 - Scaglietti 1964 sold at auction for an eye watering $26,400,000 in August 2014. What? To who? Captain and Tennille? I just looked them up and…no, they're not worth that much.


Ferrari 275 GTB/C Speciale (1964 - Scaglietti)

Turns out love didn't keep those two together. Nor could they afford this Ferrari 250 GTO s/n 3445GT, even in their heyday. It was, however the basis for the official LEGO/Shell/Ferrari promotional set #40192. 


Ferrari 250 GTO Berlinetta s/n 3445GT (1962 - Scaglietti)

Peter must be on a particular car with serial number kick as he presents this Ferrari 250 Testarossa sn 0714TR, which auctioned for more than 12 million, half of which your trophy wife will get when she divorces you for a teenage fashion model.


Ferrari 250 Testarossa  s/n 0714TR (1958 - Scaglietti)

Once that happens you can remedy your woes with this 67' Ferrari 330 P4 sn 0856. It would only cost you 20 million and the satisfaction of knowing the fashion model your trophy wife left you for is just a gay little twink boy anyway. No, I'm not bitter!


Ferrari 330 P4 Sports Prototype (1967 - sn 0856)

Anyway, showing us how the other half live, Peter presents this '89 Audi V8 Saloon that he found on the Australian CarPoint website for about $1300 AU. Apparently cars of this caliber and price range don't last long as when he went to check on the ad again, it was gone.


Audi V8 (1989)

Bummer! Back to the lifestyles of the rich and famous, because, let's face it, they're just that much more exciting, this 1936 Mercedes-Benz 540K Spezial Coupe - Sindelfingen will set you back over 3 million. Bruce Jenner's impeding sex change will cost far less.


Mercedes-Benz 540K Spezial Coupe - Sindelfingen (1936)

If you have nearly 1.2 million just burning a whole in your privileged pockets, you may be thrilled to learn you can spend it on this 1938  Erdman & Rossi Zeppelin DS8 Roadster . Incidentally, that is how much Charlie Sheen spent on hookers and cocaine last year.


Maybach Zeppelin DS8 Roadster (1938 - Erdman & Rossi)

4 million will buy you the 2006 Ferrari / Pininfarina / Glickenhaus P4/5, or roughly only half what Justin Bieber spends on hair products. He's like the King Joffrey of pop. You know…Game of Thrones? Don't you idiots have cable?


Ferrari / Pininfarin / Glickenhaus P4/5 (2006)

Anyway, clearly a rags to riches story here, the '71 Plymouth HEMI 'Cuda Convertible is a decidedly blue collar, hard working muscle car now worth $2,420,000…or roughly what Kim Kardashian spends on Blackberrys. Yep, she buys them by the truckload off of ebay thinking they'll go extinct. You should sell her yours now.


Plymouth 1971 HEMI 'Cuda Convertible

For $6,710,000  you can get this 250 GT TdF LWB Berlinetta 'Tour de France' sn 0585GT… or this amount would allegedly buy your silence if you happened to have been a young boy who has become acquainted with Michael Jackson. There goes another investment opportunity down the drain!


Ferrari 250 GT LWB Berlinetta 'Tour de France' (Scaglietti - 1956)

$4,510,000 will get you this 1935 Walker - LaGrande SJ Convertible Coupe, or, if you're Lady Gaga, nearly the same amount buys you an electro-magnetic field reader for your home that is said to detect…ghosts.


Duesenberg SJ Convertible-Coupe (Walker LaGrande - 1935)

Ferris Bueller takes a day off and makes the Ferrari 250 GT LWB California Spyder famous. The black with red example here was originally delivered new to Prince Vittorio Emanuele di Savoia, was sold at auction in 2010 for $2,612,500.

Ferrari 250 GT LWB California Spyder (Scaglietti 1959)

$2,200,000 will get you a Bentley 8-Litre Open Tourer YR5076…or an organic blonde weave for Beyonce. It was allegedly made from two sisters who ate nothing but organic, healthy food for two years in order to produce healthy hair.


Bentley 8-Litre, 1931 Open Tourer by Harrison

$3,342,080 will get you a '58 Ferrari 250 GT LWB Berlinetta 'Tour de France' sn 1039GT. Apparently not learning a thing from his financial woes, Nicholas Cage paid a hefty sum and outbid Leonardo Di Caprio for a skull of a Tyranosaurus Rex. 


Ferrari 250 GT LWB Berlinetta 'Tour de France' (Scaglietti - 1958)

I didn't know there was a such thing as a 4 cylinder racing Ferrari, but apparently these little guys can command price tags matching their bigger brothers. This Ferrari 500 TRC, sn 0670MDTR sold in 2011 for US$3,050,600.


Ferrari 500 TRC Spider (Scaglietti - 1957)

A mere 1 million dollars seems like Ramen noodles compared to some of the higher priced cars mentioned here, but the rare '48 Tucker Torpedo Convertible will set you back about that much. Victoria Beckham famously spent nearly double that on an hour long shopping spree.


Tucker Torpedo Convertible (1948 - Tremulis)

Awhile ago Peter debuted a General Motors Futurliner - Parade of Progress disguised as a Slave I. Apparently Boba Fett makes a killing as a bounty hunter cuz this model will set you back a cool $4 million. He's a cool dude, that Fett-meister.


General Motors Futurliner - Parade of Progress (Harley Earl - 1950)

We know that rich people can afford cooler things but are they really better people? Woody Allen proved you can love your step-kids a little too much by marrying them. He and his daughter/bride can afford to drive this unique $8,250,000 Ferrari 410 S Berlinetta.


Ferrari 410 S Berlinetta (Scaglietti - 1955)

If you were the daughter of David Hasselhoff, you'll have to repress the memory of your shirtless, drunken dad eating a cheeseburger off the floor…which would be impossible since she posted it on Youtube. At 2.5million, he can easily afford this Ferrari F60 America.


Ferrari F60 America (2014)

There's nothing weirder and creepier than your own dad rubbing sun tan oil on your nubile bare ass, even if you are Brook Hogan. Seems the Hulkster has a thing for young girls and sun tan oil as he also had an affair with his daughter's friend. He can afford the legendary Ford GT40 Gulf/Mirage Racer P/1074.


Ford GT40 Gulf/Mirage Racer (1968)

At the age of 51, Doug Anthony Hutchinson (the creepy guy from The Green Mile) married a 16 year old model and no one was surprised. At $2,707,240 he can easily afford the Ferrari 206 S Dino Spyder s/n 006. Wait, what? Correction; I looked it up and he can barely afford it. 


Ferrari 206 S Dino Spyder (Carrozzeria Sports Cars - 1966)

At merely two serial numbers higher, perhaps the old weirdo would get a slightly better bargain with the Ferrari Dino 206 SP s/n 008. Still at $2,567,520 it leaves no money left for his young wife's hair products. Wait, what? She looks like THAT! Hot Damn!


Ferrari Dino 206 SP (Carrozzeria Sports Cars - 1966)

What else do we have? At a mere $1,017,500 the Type-46 Superprofile Coupe is one of the most affordable cars on the list. It seems MC Hammer "can't touch this" as it is far beyond his budget.


Bugatti Type-46 Superprofile Coupe (1930 - Jean Bugatti)

Seems getting cut off from daddy's fortune has wreaked havoc on poor Tori Spelling of 90210 fame. At $2,420,000 the Rolls- Royce Phantom II Continental Sport Coupe is far beyond her meager means.


Rolls-Royce Phantom II Continental Sport Coupe (1933 - Freestone & Webb)

Seems being the fat, slovenly mom, exploiter and abuser of Honey Boo Boo isn't all that it's cracked up to be. This Mercedes-Benz 300 SL Roadster will set ya back $1,842,500, which is far more than Mama June's net worth. I guess resembling Jabba the Hutt doesn't pay well these days.


Mercedes-Benz 300SL Roadster  (1957)

The McLaren F1  car #066 was sold at auction in 2013 for $8.47M. You'd think being a weird, freaky-faced, muscle bound prop comedian doesn't bring in the big bucks, but as it turns out, Carrot Top can afford about eight of these.


McLaren F1 (1997 - Gordon Murray)

Peter doesn't list a price for his final entry, the Ferrari 250 GT SWB Berlinetta Bertone sn 3269GT, but I imagine it would be well within the too rich for, let's say Snooki but well within the price range of George Lucas.


Ferrari 250 GT SWB Berlinetta sn 3269GT (1962 - Bertone / Giugiaro)

Firas Abu-Jaber makes a glorious return to the LUGNuts challenges with this over 1 million entry, the Mercedes-Benz SL300 Gullwing. Good to have ya back, Firas!


Mercedes-Benz 300SL (W198) AMG

Capachino proves that you can wait in line for government cheese and still afford a mercedes. He searched the ads and found a 1983 Mercedes-Benz 280E on carsales.com for $980 Australian. MC Hammer, it seems your ship has come in after all!


1983 Mercedes-Benz 280E

Is that all of them? Seems it is! Well, I was hoping for more jokes that denote the differences between the very rich and the very poor but, as it turns out, expensive cars are just more exciting. And as we've learned, while they have all the money and trophy wives, rich people aren't always better people. What can ya do? So what's next on the LUGNuts slab anyway? Tune in again next month when we'll have a little challenge we like to call Fools Rush In. April is a foolish month so we have offered you 15 rock stupid automotive concepts for you to sink your dumbs teeth into. Everything from total lemons to freaky show rods to Fiat Pandas made into stretch limousines can be had when you put practicality aside and just be a bunch of complete dumb-asses. Sounds like fun! So invest in some VHS tapes, cuz I'm pretty sure that stock is going to skyrocket soon. When have I ever steered you wrong, anyway? C'mon back and we'll see what other foolish decisions we can make.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Let's Break Some Records...Roundup

This month in a challenge we call Let's Break Some Records, we took a look at record breaking automobiles...you know, fastest, smallest, tallest, most fuel efficient, etc. I also experimented with my "powers of suggestion". Let me explain. When you tell someone NOT to think about say...an all naked pie eating contest, it is virtually impossible not to think about doing your taxes. See what I did there? In the challenge write up, I suggested that Annie Hawkins has a world record you boys would probably like to look up and Jonah Falcon has a world record you guys definitely do NOT want to look up. By your lack of reaction, it seems no one took me up on that. This is why I will suggest it several more times in this roundup. I also suggested that we'd have the most record-breaking-ist challenge EVAR! How'd we do? Let's find out, shall we?

Paying absolutely no mind to Annie Hawkin's amazing world record, Ralph Savelsberg instead is the first to pound out his very own record breaking entry by building Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Aside from having the silliest name ever, this car happens to be the most expensive prop for a theatre show, costing 750,000 plus a little symbol American computers don't have, coupled with my complete inability to look it up.

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Proving he's no Jonah Falcon, Ralph instead comes back later in the challenge with this 1992 GM  Ultralite concept car. It was featured in Demolition Man and was the first four-passenger internal combustion engine car to be able to drive 100 miles per gallon (under favorable circumstances). It is safe to say, favorable conditions would not include having Annie Hawkins in the passenger seat. Just sayin'.

Demolition Man GM Ultralite

Peter Blackert is clearly no Jonah Falcon as evidenced by this Ferrari 488 GTB, that happens to have the highest torque output of any road-going Ferrari. And he mumbled something about being the first to render LEGO cars like hours or minutes after they're revealed in real life. Jonah Falcon would obviously make no such claims because of...um...the other world record he holds.

Ferrari 488 GTB (Geneva 2015)

In a decidedly un-Jonah Falcon-like move, Peter pounds out three 1934-36 452-Series (and 1937 Series 90) V16 Cadillacs in a row, one green, one red, one blue. They hold the records for longest overall length, longest wheelbase,  and heaviest curb weight. Still, these Caddies have nothing on Annie Hawkins.

Cadillac 1934 452D V16 Custom Roadster

Cadillac 1934 452D V16 Convertible-Coupe

Cadillac 1934 452D V16 Convertible-Sedan

Ask yourself, what would Annie Hawkins do? If you said she'd build the 1976 Cadillac Series 75, which is the world's longest production car with the largest ever production car V8 Engine, you'd be dead wrong.

Cadillac 1976 Series 75 Limousine

Pounding out yet another Cadillac, Peter this time tackles the Cadillac 1915 Type 51 Tourer, which is the first production car V8 engine. Holy crap, I just discovered who Honey Boo Boo was! Why hasn't somebody put a stop to this nonsense years ago?!

Cadillac 1915 Type 51 Tourer

Cadillac also launched the first production V16 engine in 1930, which means nothing when you consider Honey Boo Boo's mom looks just like Jabba the Hutt. They even have side-by-side photos of her and Jabba and the resemblance is uncanny. Go ahead, check it out! I'll wait.

Cadillac 1930 452A V16 Rollston Convertible-Coupe

Cadillac 1930 452A V16 Fleetwood Limousine (Chassis 700280)

See what I mean? Right?! Proving he's nothing at all like Jonah Falcon, Peter launches 10 versions of the same Bugatti Veyron, thus creating a personal record for building the most versions of one car which would have been broken at like three. It is also the fastest production car with the highest rate of acceleration. Where's the microscopic version and the actual size version?

Bugatti Veyron Super Sport (Multiscale: 1:15, 1:18, 1:21, 1:24, 1:28, 1:37, 1:42, 1:48, 1:65, 1:85)

The 1931 Marmon V16 set the benchmark for the class for engine power, smoothness and pretty much any other parameter at the time. This means nothing considering Kim Kardashian broke the internet with her big bare ass. Literally broke the internet for like seven hours. I'd like to see you do that, Peter!

Marmon S I X T E E N - Rumble-Seat Coupe - 1933 + 491 CID V16

Speaking of breaking the internet, Annie Hawkins did not build this 1960 Imperial. However, a gal like her might appreciate the fact that this particular vehicle has the largest tailfins of any production car ever. Whaddya think, Annie? Hmmmm, she tells me she's more of a headlights kind of girl. Good to know.

Imperial 1960 LeBaron

In fact, the more Peter posts these, the more I'm convinced he's not like Jonah Falcon. Jonah Falcon has no time to render so many LEGO cars what with the world record he holds that you guys definitely DO NOT want to look up, so don't get that god damned idea in your heads! This
1966 Volvo P1800 Coupe, however sports the most miles of any other vehicle on earth-3,000,000 miles (4,800,000 km).

Volvo P1800 Coupe (1966 - Irv Gordon)

Wow! That is A LOT of miles! Let's see if I can effectively get the same mileage out of Annie Hawkins/ Jonah Falcon jokes. Yeah, I'm doubting it too. Senator Chinchilla built what he thinks to be the weirdest Volkwagen Golf Mk1. It's a hot rod thingy.

Volkswagen Golf Rat Rod

With German efficiency, Pascal pounds out the lunar rover, the first human operated vehicle on the moon. Yeah, that was 1971. If I'm not mistaken, I believe Annie Hawkins sat in the driver's seat while Jonah Falcon rode shotgun. Honey Boo Boo tagged along in the back seat next to Kim Kardashian. My facts are impeccable, so you don't have to look that up or anything.

Moon Rover

This 1986 Suzuki Samurai built by Lino Martins gets totally high! As in altitude. It holds the record for highest peak achieved in a car. Why no Annie Hawkins/ Jonah Falcon jokes here? Its because I'm already painfully aware of both of them, thus the power of suggestion is useless on me. So in that regard, just like Mary Poppins, I am practically perfect in every way.

Record Breaking Suzuki Samurai

But somebody who could use a good dose of Jonah Falcon and/or Annie Hawkins is Fe2cruz. Why this record breaking Thrust SSC would intimidate even Jonah Falcon if he saw this thrusting at him faster than the speed of sound. He only holds one world record, but man, its a doozie!

Thrust SSC profile

Speaking of guys who only have one of something, Lance Armstrong would totally appreciate this McLean Monowheel. Don't get the reference? He has one nut, this has one wheel. What? Its brilliant! Shut up! I'd like to see you knuckleheads come up with something better!

Rocket Roadster Panda Precision

And maybe Sam has. When you dish out as much gruff at the expense of others as I do, I'm bound to get some of it back. He has built the tiny Peel P50 and has teamed up with Peter to render a hilarious version of me that is even stubbier than my already admittedly...stubby self. What can I say? I 'm a short bastard and I look like a cartoon character. Great work, boys!

Hmm...I'll take the taxi.

And what a great way to close out this roundup! I dole out a bunch of senseless crap, someone else dishes it in return, now all is right with the world, circle of life and all that. How did we do for making this the most record-breaking-est round up ever? Meh. But perhaps we'll have a chance to make some ripples with next month's challenge. It's called Over A Million, Under a Thousand...all about cars, trucks, and bikes costing...you guessed it, over a million or under a thousand American dollars, Euros, British Pounds, Pesos...or whatever passes for Canadian wampum buck. I'm guessing beaver skins. And speaking of skinned beavers, it'll be like getting the Kim Kardashians of the world in the same room with say, your typical welfare recipient. I can't see how that can go wrong. So come back next month for a roundup that is sure to be chock full of pampered debutants and government hand outs. I ain't gonna lie, I love me some government cheese! See ya next time.