Monday, March 24, 2014

Viva Italia...Roundup

Welcome to the most popular blog in the history of the world EVAR!... is what I'd be saying if we were all about pictures of cats wanting to haz cheezburgers. I actually applied to work for those guys awhile ago. Needless to say I didn't get the job. Turns out my particular brand of sardonic slander doesn't bode well with their "family oriented"humor. I haven't a goddamned clue what they mean by that. I told them getting drunk and making out with a chubby cashier behind the dumpster at Walmart is precisely how families are made. Who's more family oriented now? Anyway, long story and two restraining orders later, I'm here entertaining the eight of you instead. Its probably for the best, cuz here we're all about grown-ass men building LEGO cars, trucks, and bikes, which is way better than cute cats with misspelled slogans, in my opinion. This month's challenge was called Viva Italia! and is all about - you guessed it, Italian vehicles. Now Italians are people who know a thing or two about making families! They also talk with their hands. And they're very passionate about racing and super cars. Lets see how we performed, shall we?

When you throw Peter Blackert an Italian challenge he takes it as an opportunity to build every Italian car ever made. First up, the 2007 Maserati GranTurismo in dark blue. get yourself comfortable, cuz there's plenty more.

Next on the Peter slab is the Alfa Romeo 8C Competizione, which was released in 2007 and marked a return of the rear-wheel-drive sportscar for the famous Milanese maker. And by "maker" I'm pretty sure he means baby maker. That's a spicy meat-a ball!

This wouldn't be an Italian challenge without a dozen Ferraris strewn about the yard. This pale yellow model here is SN 09437 GT - the first of the series of 10 Ferrari 275 GTB/4 NART Spyders and one of the rarest. I'm pretty sure I found a rare nart spider in my bathroom.

It totally freaked me out cuz it was hiding behind the roll of toilet paper, and I ran outta there with my pants around my ankles screaming like little girl. But enough about my weekend. Here's a blue Lamborghini Diablo.

Next Peter asks the all important question, do you love fast cars, beautiful women, espresso and talking with your hands? Sure, we all do! But if you have four kids from all that passionate Italian family making, then you might want this '58 FIAT Multipla Abarth.

Or you can leave the wife and kids behind at break-neck speeds in this 2007 Ducati Monster 695. Take off into the sunset to the nearest Italian cafe, your family will never find you there.

And while you're making googly eyes with the cute Italian barista at the cafe, your wife and kids can hunt you down in the Alfa Romeo164 V6 Executive Saloon. Peter tells us it was designed by Enrico Fumia of Pininfarina Ralston Purina Puppy Chow...or something.

Peter also tells us the '74 DeTomaso Pantera GTS, like many of us, is a hybrid of cultures. Italian body, iron heart made in Detroit and with maybe even a bit of Australian lineage. Just like the chubby cashier at Walmart.

Follow on from the long-running Ferrari 308 Series was this, the Ferrari 328 GTB Berlinetta of 1986. The styling was by favoured design house Pininfarina and by the pen of Leonardo Fioravanti-Frappacino Linguini Gelato. I think.

Peter says the Alfa Romeo GT (Type 937) of 2003 was the sportiest Alfa Romeo available during part of the 2000's.Though smartly styled by Bertone, the car was not a high point in Alfa Romeo history. Does this mean it wore platform shoes and listened to disco?

Next on the Peter slab is a 1969 Fiat Dino Spider 2.4 V6. I saw dino spiders in Hawaii. Big suckers! It crawled in and says- I can haz eat yur face? And I says- No! Stomp! Then two days later one of his buddies showed up.

The Lancia Aurelia B20 Coupe (Series IV) sports the world's first V-6 production engine. No kidding?! It also sports the world's first in-dash spaghetti strainer and it plays the Godfather soundtrack constantly. And like all Italians it lives with its mom until the age of 32.

Adding some much needed class to this joint, the 1933 Isotta Fraschinis were some of the most glamorous vehicles in the world during the late 20's and early 30's, costing even more than Duesenbergs. It was designed by Castagna Antoni Ravioli Pepperoni.

Peter tells us the Alfa Romeo 8C 2900B Touring Spider of 1938 truly were the Veyrons of their time. They were rare, ultra fast, stunning and individual, and originally designed by Cappicola Provolone Salami Mortadella. Clearly my entire Italian vocabulary comes from the Deli.

The 1960 Ferrari 250 GT SWB Berlinetta SN 27355 was famous RHD Ferrari racer driven by Stirling Moss. This one in striking navy with blue stripe. Peter tells us it has a cappuccino maker...or something. I don't know, I stopped paying attention like six entries ago.

True fact: Italians are more likely to have sex in their cars than anyone else. It probably has everything to do with living with Mama Mia until you're almost middle-aged and also, how can you not when every last italian owns something as glorious as the 1956 Ferrari 250 Tour de France, SN 0563GT?

Built for the Kardashians with their cushy wide asses and their pampered needs is this 2008 Ferrari California. It was the first front engined V-8 Ferrari and It was designed, like the Kardashians, with a removable top.

And what busty, wide-hipped babe would be complete without this Ferrari 458 Spider based concept, issued in 2013, called the Pininfarina Sergio? It should be the requisite accessory for anyone named Hilton or Kardashian but does it have a removable top.

How can you make a car coveted by strip club owners even more douchy? Why you slam the stance down and give it a spoiler the size of a strip club bouncer as evidenced by this Slamorghini Gallardo built by LegoJunkie. Or Slambo for short. Nice touch with the roof rack.

You wouldn't know it from the first 20 or so entries, but Italians are all about F1 racing. Nathaneal L well represents F1 with this Ferrari F14 T. While all Italian, this car would be nearly impossible to have sex in...unless, of course, you consider the kind of sex one has by himself.

The Bing-Bong Brothers say this Lamborghini Miura SV. is the prettiest bull I've ever seen. What the hell is the story with them, anyway? Are they really brothers or is it just one guy? Or are they some sort of married couple like Siercon and whatsherface? For the love of God, can somebody please get to the bottom of this mystery!

While its clear I lack journalistic integrity, I also lack the ability to know an Italian car when I see one. While searching the net for something to build, I discovered the Fiat Bugster concept off-roader. It was cool, different...right up my ally! But halfway through building, I learn the concept was devised in Brazil, not Italy.

While I fumble with my own failures, Fe2Cruz does us all a public service. He says "So the Round Up might have more humor...I give you the Italian lawnmower. Don't miss his Urban Dictionary link on the definition of Italian lawnmover. Thanks for the humor. Comedy is hard. Try making a Ferrari 328 GTB Berlinetta funny.

"So the Round Up might have something small...I give you the Ferruccio Lamborghini's early diesel." Yep, Lambo builds tractors. Actually, I think that's how they started. Probably. But what do I know, what with my lack of journalistic integrity and all.

"And if the Round Up might prefer something just right...I give you, from the Leno Collection, a 14 MPH Maximum Lamborghini Tratorri R485." Thanks for the public service, Cruz. It was just right indeed.

And speaking of busty women with curvy hips (like 10 entries ago), Tim Inman builds us a stunning rendition of Rita Hayworth's 1953 Cadillac Series 62 Ghia Coupe. Just like Rita Hayworth herself, this coupe is worth a second and third glance. Also jest like Rita Hayworth herself, a poster of one of these can get you busted out of Shawshank in like twenty years.

NKubate is famous for taking one set and one set only and creating scores of diverse rides. Two books so far surely proves this. But this time he breaks from the norm and uses more than one set to build this classic Ferrari 250 Testa Rossa. Can this mean a whole other book, then?

No, Don't Talk To Robots didn't build something from the hit 70's series Buck Rogers. Buck frequently talked to a robot whose head was shaped exactly like a circumcised penis. Instead our newest active member built this 1976 Alfa Romeo Navajo without mentioning it to even one robot.

Which is probably for the best. Robots can't keep a secret worth a damn. Take that blabbermouth C-3PO, for example. Ralph Savelsberg knows all about that. He invented robots. Probably. What else would a mad physicist do? Besides build the cool Ferrari GT 250 SWB California from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

Is that the end of our roundup? I think it is. So what did we learn today? We learned that Italians talk with their hands, they live at home with Mama Mia well into their thirties and sex in a F1 racer is nearly impossible, unless its the kind of sex done alone. We also learned that I'm a culturally insensitive jerk with the journalistic integrity of an orange utan and I don't know an Italian concept car from a Brazilian one. We also learned that a poster of Rita Hayworth can get you sprung from Shawshank...or just sprung. Also, talking to robots with heads shaped like penises is generally a bad idea. I'd say that was a successful, well-rounded roundup, then. But what does the future hold for LUGNuts? Turns out this month's challenge, called Designing the Ralston Rhino, is all about the future and concept trucks. Only three rules apply: It needs to include the letter "X" somewhere in it's design, it needs to be a truck (interpretations of "truck" may vary) and it needs to be called the Ralston Rhino. Everything else is up to your own crazed imagination. Will yours be a spaced-out pickup or a retro-inspired cement mixer? I guess we'll have to tune in next time to find out. I'll promise to bring my lack of journalistic integrity. Until then, thanks for making LUGNuts the best blog in the history of the world EVAR, in spite of what those cheezburger guys say. And as always, happy building, y'all!

1 comment:

Shiv Sharma said...

Hey nice to see these many car models...very tempting to ride on these...Great post here...very interesting too...